Struggles

She tried to alienate herself from the incoherent noise around.

The background engine whine, the instructions from the cabin crew, the familiar and unfamilier languages that people spoke around her and the hopeless romantic Bollywood songs played by the passengers all leading to a non rhythemic intolerable annoyance. The piercing and nerve wracking beams of lights that followed from the busy city streets to the packed up flight were like the flashes of her chasing memories that she wants to dim off. She tried to focus but her mind rushes in thousand directions. What ifs filled her and were suffocating her. By now she has become familiar with the unfamiliarity of her current inconsistent personality.

She tried to distract herself from herself.

What's all the point?

Opened a magazine from the seat pocket. It says "secure your future. Smart saving plans". She blurted into a loud laughter that disturbed the middle aged bellied man from his sleep. Future - uncertain and unpredictable future, like an unfaithful lover. 

Eventough the word 'future' meant hope for the world, for her it meant one more irritating journey. Sometimes it brought a promising and exciting idea. But that too was brought to make her realize that she was stupid enough to show interest. It was more like the nature or an invisible hand that played a game with an intention of teaching her to retrieve into hopelessness. She laughed again, this time within her mind, when she saw a curly haired little girl wearing a pink t-shirt quoted with a word "love". "One more girl conditioned to believe in hyperreality created by society to expliot her vulnerability as a means to produce and nurture more humans and commercialise her emotions." , She thought. 

She tried to think positive. But the world has always punished her for her positivity. Her passion for becoming abled was suppressed by thankless jobs. Friends turned to strangers whenever she was financially challenged. She thought of how much she loved to teach or atleast be a part of learning process. She felt magic when she saw the expressions of a teacher and the students during the process of transfer of knowledge and exhcange of ideas. But again it occurred to her mind that how people are commercialising it just to earn money. Classes were more like assembly line. Students never heard the teachers  true voice or thoughts. She recalled how a normal happy day can lead in to a night where she as a school girl experienced death for the first time. She has never seen anyone dying before. This both shocked and amazed her. One death can shatter everyone. It can change the way her classmates and teachers looked at her. Sympathy. She didn't want sympathy. She wanted answers. She wanted to explore the causes beyond her understanding and mitigate the impact beyond her capability. One guys death created a ever increasing high gravity nonescapable vacuum of sadness.

She thought what if there is a lightening struck when her flight is highest. Will she directly go to see her dad. She was told during her faith training in the childhood that when people die they get into deep sleep till there is the day of judgement. She thought that might be good at least she might get some sleep. But what if she doesn't get sleep like everyday. What ifs like over expectations of the society, the exploitation of the thankless bosses at jobs and all the broken promises of her exs haunt her even after death. Faith gives peace of mind she heard. But then she thought of all the voilence people are creating in the name of faith. She has not seen even a single case in the real life to validate the statement except in those relegiously sponsered movies or stories. She tried to validate her theory of reaching her father through her death through other existing lines of faith but that seemed irrational too.

The flight landed. She didn't carry much baggage except the back pack. Her phone rang to end into a curious, excited and concerned call if she landed from her mom. She took the lift and was about to close the door. She noticed a secure smile for her assuring gesters of holding the doors open for an elderly lady with lots of luggage. She went downstairs to find her brother who travelled for hours to pick her up at the late at night. Her phone buzzed with her aunt's texts of how much she was missing her, her best friend's silly forwarded  quote  and her mother's enquiries of her whereabouts. She then noticed how unfamiliar faces turned into familiar old students who were looking at her with full of respect and proud in the bus on her way to her home town. And all this dragged her to feel cared for. Flashes from her work friends who pitching in for her absence and all her rooomies taking care of her in her sickness. She thought of the recent interesting class of her demanding boss on epistemology and research which reinforced passion in her career choice  and her funny friends who are ready to counsel her through laughter therapy in her tough times. Her brother secured the aisle seat that she was sitting in so that she will not fall off in sleep. Her students vacated their seats in the crowded bus to make room for a mother with her child. She strictly told the negativity to take a break and forced her broken heart to try to mend.